Zen Porter (2004

This memorial website was created in the
memory of our baby boy and only son, Zen Porter who was born in California on July 08, 2004 and passed away on July 08, 2004 . We will love him and keep him in our hearts forever.

We were not trying to get pregnant. We were not trying not to. Since we had been together for so long and had not gotten pregnant we figured one of us, probably him, was unable to. After my period was three weeks late, on April 30th, my husband came home from work for lunch with a home PG test. It was positive. We were shocked but elated. I had my husband look three times. Still he said "Well we can't be sure till we see the Dr." ROFL!

I had problems with this pregnancy starting that very night. I started bleeding. I was told I had a subchorionic hemorrhage. I had no idea what that meant. In a weeks time we made two trips to the ER. I was put on bed rest and within two weeks I had had two ultrasounds.
My Dr. watched me close and did regular u/s. The u/s were always
good, The baby always the right size always with a nice steady strong heartbeat. I had the first bleed at 5 weeks 6 days, the same day I found out I was pregnant, and my second at 6weeks 5 days. I spotted until I was about 8 weeks. I was on pelvic rest and complete bed rest. I got off bed rest for one week at about 9 weeks. I had no bleeds in over a week. We heard the heart beat at 9 plus weeks and I felt great. No pregnancy symptoms at all. Then at the next u/s they saw the SCH had tripled in size and I had partial placenta previa, meaning the placenta was forming over my cervix, so I was sent back to bed. I had no more bleeding for 6 wonderful weeks.

I felt great and other than the PPP and the SCH I looked great and the baby was perfect. I didn't really have the typical PG symptoms. No morning sickness, no vomiting, no heartburn, no peeing every 15 min. I did start craving of all things sour cream. I wanted it on EVERYTHING! I felt so good most the time I didn't even feel PG. It was amazing. Every U/s the baby was perfect with a perfect heart beat and we could watch the baby wiggle and move.

At 14 weeks I felt him move and we found out it was a boy. I was shocked because I never thought I would have a boy and also I was shocked because although I had always preferred girls I was happy he was a boy. We all were. We were so happy as soon as we left the Dr. we went to Babies R us and picked out his nursery theme and bought some boy outfits.
At just over 15 weeks, I know it sounds crazy and impossible but, my whole family felt him move with their hand on my tummy. We had a name picked out that we all agreed on and loved. Zen because we felt he would be a bit of a wild child and would need the peace. William because it was a family name, several men in the family had the name William. He became and was our Zen.

At 14 weeks I had three bleeds and an odd pressure pain that eased with the third bleed. I had an appointment with a specialist on July 8th for a level 2 u/s and genetic counseling, and possibly an Amnio. We could not decide if we wanted to do an amnio or not because it didn't matter it he had problems or not he was our baby, our Zen and we would deal with whatever happened so why bother. We also though being prepared for whatever issues he may have might be a good idea and helpful for him and us.
The specialist's office is right across the street from a hospital. Not the hospital I was going to or one my Dr. worked at but a hospital.

On July 7th I had an odd discharge that I did think for a split second could be my plug, but I was just over 16 weeks, I was in no pain, and no bleeding so I quickly dismissed the thought.

On July 8th at about 1 a.m. I started cramping. It was not bad, nothing I would even take Tylenol for but it did not go away when I changed positions. By 4a.m. I was very uncomfortable and had that funny pressure but I decided I had been sitting to long and was tired so I laid down and went to sleep. I had completely forgotten about the discharge I had had the day before. I slept till about 10 or 11a.m.. As soon as I woke up I knew I did not feel good and was still cramping and uncomfortable but I figured I was going to the Dr. that day so I would be fine. I got in the shower around noon and while I was in there the pain got worse and I thought about going to the hospital but I decided why go to an ER Dr. When I was going to a specialist in two hour and I would wait that long at an ER anyway.

The car ride was terrible and I was very uncomfortable. I almost didn't put the seatbelt on because I was so uncomfortable. Someone helped me with it though so I did wear it. When we got to the Dr. I made sure I told everyone I was in pain and had pressure. I went to the restroom and noticed some blood. Not much but some, so I also told them that. My blood pressure was up and they
were concerned about that. They took it twice and was going to take it again but never got the chance. I remember telling my hubby at some point I thought maybe I was in labor. They finally took me in for the level 2 u/s. We saw my baby son, Zen, so perfect, his little heart beating away. I think it was at this u/s he even gave us a thumbs up. It was so wonderful to see him looking so perfect and moving for a moment I forgot my pain and discomfort. I so wish I had the tape of that u/s.

Because I was complaining so much about the pain they looked first for my cervix. They could not find it. They went trans-vaginal and still could not find my cervix. The Dr. did an exam right then and there. When he was done he said "I am sorry but you are 5cm dialated and your amniotic bag is bulging." At first I just kind of stared at him trying to comprehend what he was telling me and I remember some one saying, maybe me, far off and in a fog, "So there's no hope or what can we do?". He said he was sorry but there really was nothing they could do. I was just shocked and in total disbelief. Then he said "Well MAYBE there is one hope. Let's call your Dr." He took us into his office and called my Dr. and put him on speaker. They decided to send me to labor and delivery, try to stop my labor and stitch my cervix at the hospital. They told me to go right then to the hospital my Dr. worked at across town and he would meet me there in labor and delivery.

As neither my husband or I could drive my 19 year old daughter had driven us to the Dr. in her boyfriend's car. She had only had her licenses for a month. Her and her friend had went to the mall across the way to wait for us while we were at the Dr. We had to call them and have them come back, thank gosh for cell phones. By this time my labor was strong. After what seemed like an eternity they arrived back at the Dr. office. We got in the car and drove like crazy to the hospital. I knew now I was in labor and it was progressing. I knew the more it progressed the less likely they would be able to save my baby boy. I breathed and prayed. I was panicking and was trying to relax and hold my muscles closed. That car ride was the worst car ride I have ever had, it was like a night mare. I kept saying I thought we were going to need to pull over, I think I knew I was going into transition. My husband kept screaming "NO! Just GO!" Half way there I started saying we HAD to find a place to pull over that I HAD to get out of the car. My husband kept saying "NO, JUST DRIVE!" but I was insisting. I don't know why but I HAD to get out of that car. My daughter missed the turn we needed and I was so freaked out. She did a u turn in the middle of the road. By this time I really didn't care and was insisting she pull over and stop that I needed to use the bathroom. My hubby and her were telling me there was no place for me to go to the restroom. It did not matter to me I had to get out of the car. She pulled over on the side of the street, at a corner and my husband slid out and was trying to help me get out. As I was sliding over to get out my water broke.
In that instant I knew all chance for my son was gone. A strange calm came over me and I slid back in and told my husband to get back in the car and calmly told my daughter to continue but to drive safe and careful that it was over. My husband just seemed dumbfounded. I'm not even sure what my poor 19 year old daughter and her friend were thinking. It suddenly seemed like within minutes we were at the hospital. The drive and nothing else mattered any more.

As we got to the ER I could feel my sweet son coming out. I told my husband I could feel him coming out and that I wasn't sure if I could get out of the car. My husband ran into get help and a tiny nurse came out with a wheel chair. My husband was furious, I remember trying to get him to calm down and putting my hand on his arm and telling him it was ok and he needed to calm down. I remember sliding out of the car and into the chair thinking about my tiny son coming out and how I could do it without hurting him. I remember as I turned to sit in the chair seeing a lot of blood and fleetingly I thought "Oh my her boyfriend is going to kill us.".

Within minutes of getting on the table in the exam room my son was born. My husband was laying across my chest looking at my face telling me it was ok and to breath and asking me if I was ok. I just kept asking him if he could see him, if he could see our son. I don't think he wanted to see and I think he was worried about me seeing too. My blood pressure was very high. I heard the nurse ask about an OB pack and keeping him warm and for a moment I had hope until I saw the Dr.'s slight nod no. I looked over at the nurse and she had a washcloth in her hand and the Dr. placed my tiny son, my Zen, in her hand on the washcloth. Then she asked me if I wanted to see my son. Until that moment I didn't think I did but I said yes. I was so scared and heart broken. When I saw him he was so tiny and so
perfect and I knew with all my heart he belonged with me in my hand and not the nurses.

He fit, his whole body, in one of my hands. He was so perfect it was amazing. I could see his shoulder blades and his hip bones. He had two arms and legs and ten tiny fingers and ten tiny toes. He had finger and toe nails. His tongue was so tiny and cute. He looked like me in his nose and mouth but had my hubby's ears and body shape. I held my tiny son for 5 hours. I have never in my life known such pain as the loss of my son. Seeing his tiny perfect body so tiny and small laying so still in my hand. Only an hour earlier I had seen him moving, healthy, and perfect on the u/s.
The hospital gave us a gown that was still so big we had to just wrap him in it. My husband ran to the gift shop, thank gosh it was still open, and bought a camera and a little teddy bear for his only son. We held him and kissed his head and told him we loved him. There was a wonderful Chaplin that helped us with a naming ceremony and gave us a name certificate. His name is Zen William. Then the Chaplin got the stuff and helped me do hand and foot prints. I didn't know how I was going to leave the hospital without my son. I knew I would have empty arms, empty uterus, and a empty heart. I never thought anyone could really feel their heart break but I did the day my tiny son, Zen, was born.

When I was released from the hospital I wanted to keep the gown he was in but didn't want to leave him naked. The hospital brought me another gown and a blanket. I wrapped him in it and we, my hubby my 19 year old and I, all wrote a note and tucked it in the blanket with him. They told us that because he was so early we could allow the hospital to put him in an unmarked grave or we could make our own arrangements. We chose to take care of him ourselves. He will be cremated this week. We gave a teddy bear and a picture of us to go with him and they promised us that his gown and blanket would stay with him too. We
chose a miniature Urn that is identical to the one my mom is in. I hope to pick him up Wednesday.

My Daughters and I are going to go get three baby rings and have his name engraved on them, maybe the date, and wear on chains around our necks to keep him close. I found a locket with a mother and baby on it I am going to get and put his picture in. My hubby is an artist and he drew my hands cupped with our son in them with angel wings he is going to get as a tattoo. I went through the stuff we bought and picked things to keep and I am returning the rest. I am putting together a keepsake box with my Journal and a few other things in it, and a frame with his u/s picture and a picture of him and my hubby and I with him and his name cert and his foot and hand prints.

Even though he was not born alive and only with us for a short time I knew my son. I knew he was strong and that he liked it when I ate and when I rested and he did best when I was on my left side. I knew that he was strong and active mostly between 11p.m and 4a.m. I knew he would suck his thumb and probably have red hair. I knew my son and I grieve his loss every day. I wish I could hear him cry and I could sooth him and comfort him by rocking him and singing to him. I wish just once I could feel him in my arms and kiss his face and smell his sweet smell. My heart aches so much for him.

Something I do not understand is why didn't they call an ambulance? Why didn't they send me to the hospital across the street? Why didn't I know I was in Labor? The questions are killing me.

That is our long story. Thank you all for allowing me to tell it to you and for taking the time to read it.

July 2009

This was written days after it happened. I wanted to do it when it was fresh so if I ever forgot I could look back, read this and remember. I know now I will never ever forget, not ever!

It has been five years now since I lost my sweet tiny Zen and not one day goes by when I do not think of him at some point in my day. Sometimes it is happy thought as I know he is with me always. Sometimes it is sad and I still cry for him. Sometimes it is with acceptance that he was only meant to be in my life for 16.5 very short weeks. His urn sits next to my mom's here at home with me, forever his mommy.

His dad did get the tattoo of him in my hands with angel wings and the book of life poem. I also got a tattoo with his foot print in it on my lower back with all my kids names. I also got his feet and hand prints tattooed on my left shoulder so that he is always with me. My daughters also got memorial tattoos. My oldest got a daisy with his foot print in the middle. My youngest daughter got a aunk on the left side of her chest, near her heart, with Zen's name. A few days after we lost Zen my daughters went to the beach and wrote his name in the sand. I'm not sure why but it meant a lot to me that they did that. That first mothers day we decided to go to build-a-bear and make a Zen bear.
I know some believe and some don't but it helps me to believe my Zen has sent me messages every now and then. Now not as often as he once did but I guess they are not needed as much now. On His first birthday we wanted to honor him somehow. Celebrate his short life and celebrate him being part of our lives. We decided we would go back to build-a bear and that we would do it each year on his birthday. We wrote a note and each of us got a trinket and before they sewed the bear up we put in the note and trinkets. We ended up making two one baby and one older so that each year we could make the bear age appropriate. Each bear has wings. The most recent bears all have the heart beats he no longer has.

At first I was very depressed and stayed mostly in bed. I did things to grieve and heal like I returned the stuff we bought for Zen myself. Others offered to do it for me but I felt like I had to do it. I felt I needed that closeier. I put together a box with my PG journal and his pictures. Stuff from the hospital. An outfit we bought for him I kept. After we lost him I became a bit obsessed with the gumball machine toy wacky wall walkers because the reminded me of how his skin felt and I had to get one every time we left the house. I have those all in his box. I thought I was doing well, healing, and being healthy. I look back now though and realize I was horribly depressed and lived in a fog for nearly two years. Zen's dad had problems dealing with it too. He went back to work the very next day and I don't think dealt with it at all. He is military and was shortly after we lost Zen sent into Iraq. The first time he came back and pushed us all away. The second time he came back and smothered us all even my nearly grown daughter. He always had a temper but it became explosive and often over very small things. He started calling me names and telling me I was worthless. He was very angry and just when I thought I was getting a handle on it his issues came up and pushed me back into the depths of my own grief. We tried to get counseling but he decided he was the way he was and if I could not accept it then I was not worth the effort. I could have dealt with most of it but not being called vulgar names and being told I was worthless. So in June of 2006 We legally separated and our divorce became final in December.

My oldest daughter who was in collage and had a boyfriend, the one who’s car my water broke in, decided to move in together. In late '05' early '06' they moved to Florida as he was military and was transferred. In November '06' they came back to Ca. and got married on my mom's birthday. In January 2008 my first beautiful grand daughter was born and I was there in the delivery room when she took her first breath and my daughter took her daughter into her arms and all she could manage to say in a low whisper voice was "oh my god!" They have now moved back to Ca. and I see them every chance I can.

My youngest daughter had and still has regret that she was not there with us when our Zen came and left this world. I have some guilt about that too and I will forever be sorry. She was 16 then. In June 2006 she graduated high school and her, her boyfriend, and her step dad, Zen's dad, and now my ex, moved into a apartment together and she started collage. She moved back in with me in July of 2007. For awhile she tried to stick it out with collage but just could not do it. The economy is bad and she is struggling trying to find a job now and is considering joining the air force.

My nephew Ben was visiting us when we lost our Zen. I didn't really think it affected him much. Then In 2005 his girlfriend had a son and they asked me if they could name him Zen. Zen is now a happy, fairly healthy, nearly 4y/o little boy. At first I was uncomfortable with it but now it makes me happy to see him happy and healthy, it's the way a Zen should be. I think he might be artistic as both his mom and dad are and nothing could please me more.

I had met someone who became , my confidant, support, and best friend through all this. Once when I was down and grieving Zen he bought him a star. The star is names ZenDreams. When my husband and I split he gave me a place to go so I moved to Las Vegas and married Him. He works for the city and we now rescue ferrets together. He is still my best friend, my confidante, and my biggest supporter. He supports me in everything I do and in my grief and desire to honor my son and his short life and every year we have continued to go to build-a-bear. I keep a memory frame of Zen hung on my bedroom wall and the papers with Zen's star.

Recently, I was cleaning and I was dusting the shelf where I keep Zen's bears and the TV was on and they were talking about the economy today, as they now days always are, and they were talking about unemployment and people becoming homeless and how many kids in America were now homeless. I was listening to this as I was looking at two shelves of 9 teddy bears that I was dusting because they sit not played with. Coincidently it was less than a month till Zen's birthday and I could not help but think that that might not be the best way to honor Zen's life who would now be five. I thought about this for days and honestly am still thinking about it eight days after his birthday. I need to do something though to honor my son's short life and time with us. I can not let his birthday, his life and it's impact on me and my life go by un noticed. What I came up with first is I would continue to go to build-a-bear but I would donate the bear to a children’s hospital. I liked that idea but I still did not think a teddy bear was the best way to honor my Zen. So I came up with instead of the teddy bear I would either donate money to a children’s hospital OR since my Zen's name sake is nearly the same age and his birthday is only 5 weeks from my Zen's I could give his mom the money to help Zen's name sake. My nephew and Zen's mom are no longer together and sadly my nephew dose not support his Zen at all, so I thought this might be a good idea. I worry though that my other nieces who also have kids and my nephews other son might feel that it is unfair. I decided I would not decide this year. That by next year I would figure it out.

It just so happened that we went to Ca for the 4th of July and my oldest daughter was sick. When we came back home a few days before my Zen's birthday I got sick and was sick in bed and too sick to make him a bear this year. I remembered I had gotten a e-mail telling me Zen's memorial page, this page, was being reopened for a few weeks. Then yesterday I got a message saying that it was the last day Zen's site would be open and it was the last day I could get the lifetime membership for a 25% discount. As I am a believer that everything happens for a reason and I also believe in signs I decided that that was fates way of telling me Zen had enough bears and I took advantage of the discount and Zen's site is now open forever.

Though I am very happy to now have this site and I can come here and leave him messages or read messages other send and 'light' a candle for him I still want to do something special to honor my son and his life every year on his birthday. His life did matter if to no one else but me. Maybe I will donate money to our local children's hospital AND send Zen's name sake some money too. I guess we will see.